Supernatural: If
by libra113
Summary: If Mary was never killed. If Sam and Dean lived normal lives. If something suddenly went horribly wrong and they didn't understand why.


Supernatural: "If" by Chris McWilliams 

Dean slowly opened his eyes and blinked. For a few seconds he couldn't remember where he was but, as the thumping headache started to pass, he began to recall.

He was in some cheap motel just outside of Palo Alto, California. He had reached it _late_ last night and thought it would be better to stop and get some shut eye, after all his business _could_ wait until the following morning.

Of course _these_ days Dean had a hard time sleeping without the aid of a few beers so he bought and polished off a six-pack in short order, an action he was _paying_ for that morning.

Slowly sitting up, he looked around and realized more than he had the night before what a dump the motel room really was, still it served it's purpose.

Realizing he had _no _idea _what_ time it was he raised his hand and forced his eyes to focus. It was nearly eleven in the morning, which meant if he hurried he could reach Sammy's place by half past noon, or one o' clock _if_ he decided to take his time. Of course he _wouldn't_ take his time. He _needed_ to see Sammy again after so long.

As Dean got out of bed and started to clean up and dress he remembered the _last _time he had seen his little brother Sam. Dean had been on leave from the marines, especially to be home when Sam left for college.

It had been a wonderful time for the whole family. His dad hadn't been so proud since Dean had told him he was following in his footsteps and joining the marines and their mom was practically beaming with the news that Sam had gotten a full ride to Stanford.

It had been a wonderful weekend they spent as a family and dad had a special gift for Sam, the _same_ gift that he had given Dean when _he_ finished high school.

_Neither _Sam nor, John _knew _it but Dean had been watching from the other room when John gave it to him.

John had taken Sam aside and Dean heard him say, "Sam I've got something for you… call it a graduation present." Dean saw Sam smile a bit and say, "Oh dad you don't _have_ to do that." John told him, "I _know_ I _don't_ have _too_, I _want _to. When you were born I started a savings account in your name, did the same for Dean, it was for college, but then you go and _earn_ a full ride, so I _guess_ you can just do _whatever_ you _think_ is _best_ with this."

At that point John handed Sam a piece of paper, a check. Sam took it and looked at it, and his eyes got wide. "Dad," Sam said with his eyes starting to water slightly and a look of surprise and gratitude on his face, "I _can't_ take _this_. Like you said I have a _full _ride and I have some part time job interviews lined up _and_… you and mom _could_ use this _more_ than I could."

John smiled broadly with a look of love and said, "No son, we're just _fine_. I set that aside for _you_, it's _yours_, do with it _whatever_ you want." Sam took a deep breath, he _knew _enough to _know_ once his dad had made up his mind, arguing with him was pointless, so instead he simply said; "Thanks dad" and they hugged.

Later Sam and Dean were sitting out on the porch alone. Dean had given Sam a case of beer as his graduation present, which they sat down and ended up splitting, if somewhat unevenly.

"So," Dean said, "Stanford huh?" Sam smiled a bit and said, "Yeah Stanford." "You _sure _you _don't _want to come with me to the marines? Maybe we could _work_ together, _once you catch up with me that is_."

Sam had to laugh, "Do you _really _see me in the marines?" Dean smiled and said, "I _guess _not, the basic training alone would be too much for you."

Sam suddenly frowned and said, "I _wouldn't _say _that_." "Oh," Dean said in a sarcastic tone, "I _would_." "Oh yeah," Sam said putting his beer bottle down, "let's see what ya' got." At that point Sam pounced and the two playfully wrestled, something they hadn't done since _Dean_ left home, it was an unspoken rite of passage.

Then the next day Sam packed up his car and left for Stanford and later the same day Dean got into the Impala John had passed on to him years before and left himself, and the Winchester nest was empty.

Dean actually managed to hit Stanford a half hour earlier than he had planned on, he had wanted to see Sammy again_ so _bad that he had, without realizing it, sped the whole rest of the way.

Dean and Sam had kept in touch through letters over the years since the last time they were at home so Dean _knew_ just where to find him and as he pulled his Impala in the parking area near his place, Dean was surprised. It was a pretty decent little house, for a student.

Now, Dean knew, came the hard part. His life had fallen apart in the past couple of weeks, which was _why_ he had to _see_ Sam again. They had always been close _and _he _knew_ Sam would understand _what_ had happened, _help_ him figure out what to do _next and _most of all make him feel better.

Dean grabbed his duffel bag and some more beer he bought on his way in, his mother had taught him _not _to show up somewhere empty handed.

The walk to the front door was a little rough, Dean was _so _nervous he had started to hum some Metallica to calm himself down. _What if Sam had changed?_ _What if he was so wrapped up in his own life he didn't have time for his big brother anymore? _Finally Dean decided that Sam would _never_ be like that so he simply walked up to the door and knocked.

At first Dean wasn't sure _if _anyone was home but after knocking again he started to hear movement and a female voice say, "Just a minute!"

_Sam's got himself a girl…. That's my boy! _Dean thought as he waited for the door to open. When it did he was surprised.

The woman standing before him was gorgeous; she was slim, and blonde with big wonderful… eyes. "Yes?" she asked. For a second Dean was speechless causing the girl to ask again, "Yes?"

"Oh I'm sorry," Dean, said with a grin, "I'm Dean, Sammy's brother. Is he here?" The woman's eyes lit up and she _smiled_, "oh my God Dean, come inside. I'm Jessica."

Once she opened the glass outer door and let Dean in Jessica leaned in and hugged him. "I'm _so _glad to _finally _meet you. Sam talks about you _all _the time and, of course, I've seen pictures but that's not the same."

"Speaking of Sam," Dean managed, "is he around?" Jessica shook her head, "sorry, I'm just _so _excited to meet you." Then she frowned, "He's out right now. In _fact_ he's at an interview."

"Oh," Dean said disappointed and surprised, "a job interview?" "No," Jessica said, "a _law school_ interview, it's his whole future on a plate." Dean whistled, "Good for you Sammy. Do you _know_ when he _will_ be back?"

"Not _exactly_," Jessica said, "but it _shouldn't _be _too _much longer." "Oh," Dean said turning around, "in that case I will come back." "Oh no you _don't_," Jessica said cheerfully, "you're _going_ to wait _here_ and we're going to get to _know_ each other."

Dean got a surprised look on his face and asked, "I _am_? _We are_?" "That's right!" Jessica said, "Now come on, let's have some coffee and talk."

True to Jessica's word what followed was part friendly conversation and part interrogation and Jessica told him stuff about herself _and_ asked him all about Sam as a child, about himself and about their parents.

Dean, for his part, was patient and told her what she wanted to know about _any _subject, any subject that is _except _what had been happening to him in the past couple of weeks, _that _information was for Sam _alone_, he hadn't even _told_ their mom or dad _yet_.

After a little while the front door opened and Dean heard Sam's voice shouting, "Jessica! Jessica, you home? Is that Dean's car out front?" At that point Dean walked into the room and said, "You had _better_ believe it is _Sammy_!"

Sam's eyes lit up in a way that even Jessica had never seen before when he saw Dean standing there. "Dean!" Sam said excitedly as he ran up to greet him. At first they shook hands, kind of awkwardly but before Dean could stop him Sam pulled him nearer and hugged him.

Sam _knew_ Dean hated the mushy stuff, but it had been _years_ since they saw each other and Sam couldn't stop himself.

Dean shrugged out of Sam's hug and said, "Hey Sammy…." "Yeah," Sam interrupted

"I _know_, 'no chick flick moments'…. By the _way _it's _Sam_, not _Sammy_." Dean simply grinned and said, "Whatever _Sammy_."

Sam ignored it that time and instead asked, "So _what _brings you here? You on leave or something?" Dean's smile cracked a bit and he said, "Yeah something like that." Instantly Sam _knew _something was wrong but he also _knew_ that Dean wouldn't want to talk about it until he was _ready_.

Before Sam could pursue the matter Jessica walked up and said, "So _don't _keep me in suspense. _How did things go_?"

"Well," Sam said in a confident tone, "they didn't _tell _me _anything of course_, but I _feel _like I aced it." "Oh!" Jessica said excitedly putting her arms around his neck and hugging and kissing him.

"Yeah," Dean said in a tone that even Sam _couldn't _figure out, "that's great dude, congrats!" Sam smiled and said, "_thanks_, Dean."

"Maybe we should go out and celebrate," Dean suggested. "Yeah," Jessica said, "call up the gang and hit that bar you like."

Sam could see Dean's face fall and he _knew _what Dean had in mind was a little alone time with his brother, so Sam decided to step in. "I don't think we should do that _yet_." Sam said simply.

"_What, why not_?" Jessica said in a mixture of confusion and disappointment. Sam _seemed _to think for a moment and finally said, "Well, I _don't _know anything for _sure_, I _think _we should wait until there's something to _celebrate_."

"Oh," Jessica said in a tone that said she understood, "you're probably right." "Besides," Sam added, "Dean's here and I haven't _seen _him in awhile and I'm sure the last thing he would want to do is hang out with a bunch of college students."

"Depends," Dean said jokingly, "any of them hot sorority girls." Sam just smiled a smile that seemed to say _that's Dean for 'ya_. "I think," Sam said to Jessica, "you and I can _celebrate_ tonight but _first_ Dean and I _should _go do something. Maybe we _can _pick up some stuff for later."

"Sure," Jessica said, "I understand. You _two _need some time. You go out and have some fun, but be back later tonight. I will get us some stuff and we can celebrate… the _three _of us." Dean grinned for a moment and Sam gave him a look and said, "Dean get your mind out of the gutter."

All that did was make him smile more and Jessica blushed a bit and pretended to be offended.

Sam and Dean pulled up to a small local bar that Sam _knew_ would be the kind of place that Dean would like, and climbed out of Dean's Impala.

Looking the outside of the place over, Dean smiled and said, "this will do." Sam simply nodded in agreement and they went inside and found a corner table to be alone.

Once they had ordered a round of beers and had a few drinks Sam finally asked, "What's _wrong _Dean?"

"What?" Dean asked as if surprised that Sam was on to him, "What makes you think _anything _is wrong?"

"Because," Sam said between swallows of his beer, "you just show up out of the blue after all of this time, then when I asked if you were on leave you got this look." "You could _always_ read me like a book, Sammy."

"Not _always_," Sam corrected, "but _some_ of the time, yeah. So I will ask again: _What's wrong_?"

Dean took a breath and said in a low tone, "I've been kicked out of the marines." Sam wasn't sure, at first that he had _heard_ him _right_, but then Dean, apparently reading the confusion on his face said, "Yep, kicked out of the marines."

"What happened?" Sam said feeling bad for him, the marines was something Dean had wanted to do for as long as Sam _could _remember. "A _lot _of things." Dean said sourly, "_Mostly_, I was having an affair with a superior's wife _and _insubordination."

"Wait," Sam said "you _what_!?" "Listen Sammy," Dean said leaning in and slowly nursing his beer. "It's _not _like it sounds. I _didn't know_ who she was when we started seeing each other _and _as _soon _as I _found _out that she was married and to _who_ I stopped it. But, then she got _pissed_ and ratted me out, made it seem as if it was all _my _doing. Then he _confronted _me and picked a _fight_. I defended myself dude, and he made it _look _like I was just being an ass. So out I went."

"Damn," Sam said, "there was _nothing _you _could _do?" Dean took a deep breath, then leaned back, "there _were_ people I could have _talked_ to of course, but they were all _buddies _of _his_, so I just took my lumps and left."

"_What _are you _going _to do _now_?" Sam asked deeply concerned about his brother. "For the time being I've been traveling, seeing the country, I was nearby so I thought I would come and see what you were up to these days. Your last letter was a while ago, I _didn't _even know about Jessica. Good going there, she's _way_ out of _your_ league."

Sam smiled a bit and said, "It's more than that. I doubt she told you because we were going to go home in a month for Thanksgiving and tell everyone _then_ but we're engaged. She wants to get married this coming spring."

Dean was surprised, "all that stuff she was asking me about and she didn't even say anything." "Didn't you notice the ring on her finger? It's not the biggest but it's not _that_ small."

Dean grinned and said, "I wasn't looking at her hands." Sam couldn't help but crack a bit of smile himself then said, "you keep talking about my future wife like that I'm going to have to kick your ass." "Yeah right brain boy, bring it on." Dean mocked.

"Seriously," Sam said, "until you figure out your _next _move you're going to _stay _with us. The place isn't big but the couch is soft and it's all yours, as long as you _need _it."

Dean frowned a bit and looked down at his glass to avoid letting Sam see the tears starting in his eyes. "Thanks Sammy." He _finally _managed to say, "I promise it _won't _be long and I won't get in the way."

When Sam and Dean got back they were surprised by a group of Sam and Jessica's friends waiting in the living room.

In the time they had been gone Jessica had managed to call around and set up an impromptu surprise party.

The living room was packed with college students with food and drinks all around, each one wanting to take their turn congratulating Sam on his interview.

After a few minutes it got a bit much for Dean so he slipped out back to be alone. A little later a figure started walking out his way and he quickly realized it was Sam.

"You ok Dean?" Sam asked bringing him a slice of what appeared to be some large sized submarine sandwich. Dean took the sandwich and even though the lettuce looked wilted and the bottom bread seemed a little soggy he was hungry so he took a nice big bite.

"I'm fine Sammy," he said still chewing his bite of sandwich. "I just didn't want to get in the way of your celebration. You _should_ get back in there, you _earned _it." Sam smiled a bit and said, "I _don't _know, it's nice of Jessica and all but I'm not really the party type."

Dean grinned a bit, "You never _were_, you _always _preferred to _read_ or study or something than go out and have fun. I guess it's paid off for you _now _though."

"Hey," Sam said putting his hand on Dean's shoulder, "you will land on your feet…" Sam was _about _to say something else but suddenly he stopped and got a pained look on his face.

At first Dean wasn't sure what was happening, but then Sam put his hands on his head and the expression got more pained and he started to grunt. Just as he was about to fall to his knees Dean reached out, dropping his sandwich, and caught him, slowly lowering him down until they were on the ground with Dean cradling Sam's head in his lap.

"What's _wrong_ Sammy?" Dean asked. All Sam _could _do was moan in pain until finally whatever happened seemed to pass and he slowly sat up.

Sitting on the ground next to each other Dean looked Sam in his watery eyes and asked, "What was _that_?" "I don't _know_," Sam said in a weak and obviously scared tone, "I've been getting these migraines, but that was the _first_ time they've been _that_ bad."

"Have you _had _them checked out?" Dean asked obviously concerned. "Not yet," Sam said, "_there's _something _else_." "What?" Dean asked almost afraid to find out, but _before _Sam could reply Jessica showed up.

"There you are Sam." Jessica said. When she saw him and Dean on the ground she got a puzzled look, before anyone could _say_ anything Dean jumped up and said, "Sorry, we were just wrestling around."

Jessica smiled but it was a puzzled smile and said, "Sam, everyone's getting ready to leave and they _want_ to say good bye to you." "Ok," Sam said _trying _to hide the weakness in his voice.

"Let me help you up Sammy," Dean said, then looking over at Jessica he said, "I kicked your boyfriend's ass _again_." "In your dreams Dean." Sam said playing along. As Sam and Jessica walked away he signed to Dean that they would _talk _later.

The party had broken up and Sam, Dean and Jessica had cleaned up. Sam told her good night and said he would be in, in a bit after he made sure Dean was comfortable and they had finished talking about what happened with the marines.

Once Sam was sure that Jessica was in bed and couldn't over hear he moved over to Dean and sat down next to him. "Ok Sammy," Dean said without any kind of preamble, "_why _haven't you had your headaches checked into?"

"Like I said," Sam explained, "there's more. When I have these headaches I _see _things too." "I bet," Dean said, "I would see things too if my noggin were in that kind of pain, if I _hadn't _been there you would have hit the ground."

"I _know_ but it's _more _than _that_! I'm _not _just seeing stars or something. I'm seeing people. People being hurt or killed and some weird guy with yellow eyes." Dean looked at him as if he didn't fully understand _what_ he was talking about.

"Hey Sammy," Dean finally said, "I _know _it's college but you _don't have to_ take the funny pills just because someone offers." "I'm serious Dean," Sam said distressed. "I'm scared, I'm afraid that I'm going nuts or something, it _really _scares me."

Suddenly, Dean was overwhelmed; he felt so much sadness for Sam and his condition, so much so, he did something he didn't _normally _do lightly. He reached over and hugged Sam and said, "Don't _worry_ anymore. I'm _here _now and _whatever_ is going on we _will _find out what it _is_ and we will _fix _it. I _promise_"

Somehow _just_ hearing Dean say that and having him around made Sam feel better. He had been keeping his headaches a secret from everyone, even the woman he loved and _wanted _to marry, but with his big brother by his side he felt safe again at last.

Then with tears in his eyes Sam, trying to lighten the mood said, "Now I _know_ I'm in _trouble_." "Why's that," Dean said puzzled and concerned. "Because," Sam said forcing a small smile, "You _never_ hug unless it's serious."

Dean made a face but said nothing and Sam stood up, "I had better get to bed before Jessica starts to worry. Good night Dean." "Good night Sammy," Dean said as Sam left the room.

Even after Sam was gone Dean didn't move he just sat there in the darkness, broken only by small table lamp, and before he even realized it was happening he felt tears slowly making their way down his cheeks. All he kept thinking is: _We'll fix this Sammy, swear to God we will!_

Sam and Dean had been sitting in the doctor's waiting room for what seemed like _hours_. After several minutes Dean got tired of reading People magazine from two years ago and tossed it back on the table.

Looking over he saw Sam sitting there looking tense. "So," Dean said, "what are we _doing_ here?" Sam looked at him and said, "Doctor Wilson is going to do a cat scan and some other tests to make sure it's _nothing _physical."

"Ok," Dean said nodding his head, "and _why_ did we lie to Jessica and tell her we were going to the movies?" "I _don't _want her to _know_, at least _not _until I _know _what's happening."

Dean seemed to consider that and said, "_Why _not, she loves _you_ man, you _love_ her, she would _want _to _know_." Sam took a deep breath and said, "Yeah I'm _sure_ but she's kind of had a rough life, she had a brother who was mentally ill, I don't _want _to put her _through _that."

Dean rolled his eyes and said, "_Look_ Sammy, you're _not _'mentally ill'." "You _don't know that Dean_! You _haven't seen _the images in my _head_." "No," Dean said sadly, "I _wish _I could take your place but I can't, but I _know_ you are _not_ mentally ill. It's _something_ simple, we will have it taken care of it and that _will _be the end of it."

Sam couldn't help but smile, he _knew_ that what Dean was saying was more from emotion than facts and that he was _scared_ that it was _something serious_. Somehow though having Dean tell him those things, made him feel better.

"Sam Winchester…" A nurse called, "the doctor will see you now." Sam got up and looked over and said, "Come with me Dean… please." Dean stood up and said, "Try and stop me."

The tests had taken _forever_ or that's how it felt to Dean as he waited in the exam room while Sam was checked out. Sam had _asked_ that he get the results as quickly as possible and the doctor had agreed to fast track them so he could tell him the results that day, but it meant more waiting.

At this point Sam and Dean were in the doctor's office waiting for him to show up with the test results, this was the most tense period of waiting they had gone through all day.

The silence and the tension were driving Dean nuts and he could tell that Sam was both exhausted from the poking and prodding and so worried about what the tests would show that he was practically on the edge of his seat.

"So," Dean said _trying _anything to relieve the tension, "What do you want to do _after _we leave here. Personally I'm starved."

Sam was equal parts amused and irritated, a feeling that _only _Dean could bring out in him. "How can you think of _food_ at a time like _this_?" "Easy," Dean said in mock defensiveness, "It's late afternoon and I haven't had _anything_ since breakfast except crappy doctor office coffee. Speaking of which he had better hurry and get in here, I have to pee like a racehorse."

"Maybe you should just _go_ then," Sam said distracted by the myriad of worries in his head. "I _can't _leave you here to face this _alone_. _Seriously_ I wouldn't do that." "I _know_." Sam said simply touching Dean's arm, "I _am _glad you showed up when you did, I don't _know_ how I would have gotten this far _alone_."

Dean smiled and said, "I _wouldn't _let you do _this_ alone. Of course if you would just _tell _Jessica what's going on you _wouldn't _have to." Sam looked at him, "Dean I _told _you about that." "Yeah," Dean said, "I _know_ but I bet she would see it _differently_." "I _know_ she would," Sam said, "I just don't want to worry her, if there's no need."

"Seems to _me_," Dean said, "_you're _doing all the worrying for the _both _of you. That's _not _healthy for _you_." "I _know_," Sam said, "but now _you're_ here and that's all I _need_ right now." Dean wasn't sure what to say to _that_ and luckily for him the doctor showed up and he didn't have to say _anything_.

"Mister Winchester," Doctor Wilson said, "as requested I have the results of the tests you took earlier. I don't know if you should be disappointed or relieved but the tests show no major abnormalities with your brain."

Sam squinted his eyes and looked curious, "What do you mean no_ major _abnormalities? Does that mean there was _something_?"

"Well," Doctor Wilson said, "there were some unusual spikes in your brainwaves readings but it's _nothing_ to be alarmed about. It's not harmful and while rare it does happen."

"So," Sam said, "you're saying there's nothing _physically_ wrongwith my brain then?" "Nothing whatsoever," Doctor Wilson said, "the only thing I can figure out to account for your headaches is perhaps _stress_. You told me that you just applied to law school, and before that you took your exams and around that time you proposed to your long time girlfriend, not mention that until recently you did part time tutoring to underprivileged high school students and a dozen other things?"

"Yes?" Sam said, "I like to keep busy." "Well," Doctor Wilson said, "you might _want _to cut back, the stress _may _be the source of the headaches. I can prescribe something for you to take to deal with the pain. You take them when you feel a headache coming on and start cutting back on your commitments a bit. _If _you are still getting headaches in a couple of weeks schedule another appointment and we can try some other tests, see if you are developing migraines or having a reaction of some kind to something else."

"Like what?" Sam asked not sure what that could mean, "I don't know, something in the air for example. Those tests are _very _costly and take a lot of time so we _should_ try this first." Doctor Wilson wrote something out on his prescription pad then tore it off and handed it to Sam. "Like I said," Doctor Wilson told him, "take these when the pain starts and call me back in a couple of weeks and we can go from there, however I _bet_ that does it."

Sam didn't _seem_ so sure, never the less he stood up and shook the Doctor's hand, "Thank you for your help and I will be in touch." Dean stood up after him and shook the doctor's hand as well, but didn't say _anything_, he was _never _a fan of doctors, nurses were more his speed.

Since Dean had driven Sam to the doctor's office he _insisted _they stop somewhere to eat and even though Sam didn't seem all that interested he didn't argue so it wasn't long before they were sitting in a small restaurant on their way back to Sam's place.

Dean was chowing down on a burger and some fries while Sam sat there nursing a coffee and _thinking_. After a few bites Dean looked up and saw the expression on Sam's face and just _stopped_.

"Penny for your thoughts Sammy!" Dean said _trying _to draw him out of what he _knew_ were likely to be some pretty dark places.

"Oh," Sam said, "nothing really. "Just thinking about what the doctor said. _If _my headaches and the images that come with them aren't somehow physical then I _must_ be losing my mind."

Dean slammed his cup down hard and looked Sam in the eyes, "I've _told_ you Sammy, you are _not_ losing your _mind_." "_How can you be so sure_?" Sam said glumly. "Well," Dean said reluctantly, "I _didn't _want to point this out _before_ but _if _you were losing your mind wouldn't you _enjoy_ the horrible things you're seeing? Besides I've always heard that crazy people _don't _know they're crazy, they _think _they're sane and everyone else is nuts."

Sam forced a thin smile and said, "Yeah I _guess _you have a point there." Dean grinned and said, "Besides, I'm the oldest which means I'm always _right_ and I say you're going to be just fine."

Sam's forced smile suddenly turned real and he said, "_Don't _try and pull that again, I've told you before just because you are the _oldest_ doesn't make you right." "Yes it does dude," Dean said, "now eat up and relax, that saw bones told ya' not to stress so much."

"Ok Dean," Sam said, "you _are_ right about that. Just remember what I said before, not a word to Jessica."

Dean looked like he _still _wasn't on board with that idea but all he said was, "How have you kept your head splitting headaches from her this long anyway?" Sam took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair.

"At first they were just nightmares," he explained, "she would wake me up telling me I was screaming about fires and blood or, whatever. She _was_ worried at first, then I started pretending to fall asleep in front of the TV, or taking sleeping pills, anything to keep her from realizing, then the dreams became headaches and I starting see the _same_ stuff while I was awake. That was _easier_ to hide because initially the pain wasn't so bad. That night, with you, in the back yard was the _most _painful one yet."

For once Dean was speechless but the look on his face said it all. It was a patchwork of concern, fear and confusion.

"Alright Sammy," Dean said finishing up his meal, "we had better get back before Jessica starts getting suspicious and asking _too _many questions." "Thanks Dean," Sam said gathering up his stuff and getting ready to leave.

"For what?" Dean said grabbing his jacket and leaving a tip. "For being here for me _and_ for honoring my wishes to keep this mess a secret." Dean looked at him with sadness in his eyes, "_If _this is what you _want_, but be _sure_ it is because Jessica _might_ not be able to forgive you for keeping this from her."

"Maybe not," Sam said sadly, "but I just _can't _put her through this, at _least_ until we know what _this _is." "Whatever you want Sammy," Dean said simply, "let's roll."

When Sam and Dean got back to Sam's place Jessica was waiting in the living room and Dean _could tell_ that she was pissed with Sam.

Even though they went back in their bedroom to talk Dean _could _still hear every word and it _wasn't_ good.

"_Where have you been_?" Jessica started off shouting. "I told you Dean and I went to the movies." "Don't give me that," Jessica said, "Cindy _works_ there and she came by today for lunch, she didn't see _you_."

"Hey," Sam said, "It's a _big_ place we must have _just_ missed her." Sam said in his defense, not that it was convincing or useful.

"Are you two up to _something_? Dean taking you out to pick up girls?" Jessica asked _obviously_ grasping at straws to find any _kind _of explanation.

"Oh come on," Sam said, "you _know_ me better than that, I'm _not _the type." "No," Jessica said in a slightly less aggressive tone, "_that much is true_. Then _what _is it?"

"It's two brothers who grew up close and haven't seen each other in _years_," Sam said defensively, now he _really _was starting to get upset about all the questions, even _if_ he _knew_ that it was his own fault. "We're _just_ catching up and I'm _trying _to help Dean rebuild his life. He would _never _admit it but the marines was his _whole _life and now that's gone, he's lost and doesn't _know_ what to do next."

"I understand that," Jessica relented, "but I'm worried about _you_. You look like hell, he keeps plying you with beer, you are _both _gone for hours, are awake until late in the night. He's dragging you _down_. You _have a lot going on and he's turning you into him_!"

At that point _all_ of the guilt he felt about lying to Jessica was gone, it was replaced by his love for his brother and how much gratitude for the help he was providing, without fully realizing what he was even saying he started to shout, "_Don't talk about him like that! Don't say those things, I need him right now as much as he needs me, more!_"

Jessica was in shock. Sam had never yelled at her like that before, she had _never _seen him so manic and crazed. "I _think_," Jessica said with fear in her voice, inching toward the phone near their bed, "that maybe we had better spend some time apart."

Suddenly, Sam saw the fear in her eyes and realized what he had done. At that point the anger left him and his eyes started to tear up.

"Oh God, Jess," he said sadly, "I'm _sorry_, I didn't mean to lose it like that, there's just so much _stress_ right now. Please forgive me." Jessica looked down at the floor for a second and in a voice that broadcast the fact that she was crying she said, "I understand, I _really _do. Everything is just so tense right now, with everything going on… I _love _you and I _know_ you feel the same way, but it still _might_ be better if we spent some time apart, just until things cool off then we can come back with cool heads and see where we are."

Sam realized she was _right_. Without even _knowing_ what was going on she had found a perfect solution. It would allow him to get to the bottom of what was going on with him without risking her finding out. "I _think_ you're right," Sam said sadly, "we _should_ get away from each other for a few weeks…." Then he quickly added, "but this _isn't_ the end… _once_ things are more normal we _will _be together again."

Jessica looked up, her eyes and cheeks wet with tears but a smile on her face, "Yeah," she said simply, "you're right we _will_."

The motel Sam and Dean ended up moving into wasn't exactly the Ritz, but it _was_ affordable and it was near the medical center so _if_ Sam needed more tests, or whatever he and Dean wouldn't have far to travel.

Sam had called around and cancelled or suspended his commitments, some were easier than others but he was able to beg out of them _all_ with the promise that he would come back as soon as he was able.

"So now what?" Dean asked, "Here we are in a cheap ass motel with no commitments and two weeks to kill." "I don't know," Sam said sadly, "I _just_ hope after all of this, _if_ there _is_ an after, that I can pick up the pieces of my life again."

Dean seemed to consider this and finally said, "It's _not too late_, you could _call_ Jessica and tell her the truth." "No," Sam said, "it _is_ too late. I don't even _know_ if we can patch things up later, but I do know that for _now_ I'm the last person she wants to see."

"No," Dean said, trying to lighten the mood, "that would be _me_." Sam forced a grin but couldn't do much more because he knew _deep down_ Dean was right, Jessica blamed everything on Dean, and as much as he _loved_ her that made him angry and _that _anger scared him more that just about anything.

Sam and Dean had been the motel for a couple of days and all had been pretty much quiet until one night at about three A.M.

Dean woke up to the sound of Sam screaming. He didn't understand _exactly _what he was saying but he _knew_ that Sam was having a really bad dream.

Instantly Dean jumped up and ran over to Sam's bed to try and wake him up, but before he could Sam suddenly exhaled loudly and sat right up eyes wide open.

Dean could see, even in the dim pre-dawn light streaming through the motel room window, the pained and frightened look on his face.

"You all right Sammy," Dean asked _trying_ to hide the worry in his voice. Sam seemed to look around then said weakly, "Yeah I'm fine, just a nightmare." Dean looked at him critically then said, "Something tells me it wasn't 'just a nightmare', it was like the nightmares you told me about, the ones before the headaches started _isn't it_?"

Sam forced a weak smile, _trying_ but _failing_ to put on a brave face, "It's _no _big deal." "Like Hell it's _not_," Dean said in an odd mixture of anger, fear and concern, "we're going to see that sawbones again _today_!"

"No," Sam said, "the time isn't up…" then he added _trying _to sound optimistic, "the dreams are a step toward being better, at least it wasn't a headache."

Dean wasn't convinced, but he _knew_ that Sam would see going back to the doctor early as some kind of defeat or set back, an admission that he was _worse_ off than he hoped.

"Alright Sammy," Dean said finally, "we will give it the last few days… but _if_ something like this happens again I will _personally _drag you there kicking and screaming _if _I have to. Deal?"

This time Sam's smile was genuine as he said, "Ok, deal. _If _you _think _you _can_." This time Dean smiled a real smile and said, "_Try_ me."

After that _neither _of them could, or wanted, to go back to sleep so they spent the rest of the night watching infomercials and bad old movies on the motel TV, then when morning came Dean said, "Ok rise and shine. Get cleaned up, we're going to breakfast, my treat."

Sam didn't _really _feel all that hungry even hours after his horrible nightmare but he didn't want to disappoint Dean so he just got up and cleaned up so they could go and eat.

Their breakfast was largely silent as each of them were lost in their own thoughts and barely said anything more than was necessary.

Once they finished and got back to the motel they turned on the TV again and scanned the dial for something good, not that it mattered what they found because _both_ of them were fast asleep within half an hour.

However, the peace was not to last. About an hour later Dean woke up to a strange sound. At _first _he wasn't sure _what_ he was hearing, then he glanced over and he saw Sam with his face buried in his pillow.

For a second Dean thought he was still asleep and was snoring but it didn't take him _long_ to realize that he was awake and he was _using his pillow to muffle his cries of pain_.

Once that realization sunk in Dean jumped up and ran over. Taking Sam by the shoulders he turned him over and realized he was having another headache, but this one was the most intense one he had seen.

"Sammy!" Dean shouted, "Speak to me what's happening?" "I don't know," Sam managed to say through teeth clenched in intense pain. "I woke up a few minutes ago and then it hit. It's the longest and most intense attack yet!"

At that point Dean reached over and grabbed Sam's cell phone on the table next to the bed and dialed 9-1-1. "You hold on Sammy, I'm here and I'm going to help you."

The call seemed to take hours as Dean sat there doing the _only _thing he _could_, holding his little brother's head in his lap and talking to him, trying to sooth him.

_Finally_, the paramedics arrived and Dean rested Sam's head on the pillow as he ran to the door to let them in.

Once inside they started to work on him as Dean told them what had been happening and about them going to see the doctor and what he said.

After a couple of minutes the paramedics decided they had done all they could there so they loaded him up to take him to the hospital. "I'm his _brother_ the _only_ family he has _here_ I want to ride with him."

The paramedics had no objections so they _all_ got into the ambulance and rode to the nearby hospital.

What followed was almost like a dream for Dean, a flurry of activity that seemed somehow to be both in slow and fast motion.

After what seemed like forever a doctor came out to talk to Dean. "Mister Winchester?" the man in scrubs and a white coat said. "Yes," Dean said looking up from the same tile on the floor he had been staring a hole into for the whole time.

"We've managed to stabilize your brother Sam, he _seemed _to be having some kind of stroke or seizure, we won't be sure of the details until we run tests but there was bleeding from the nose… I'm _not_ going to lie to you that _could _be a bad sign."

"What?" Dean said, "no, that's _not _right, he was just having extreme headaches ask that doctor… what's his name… Wilson." The doctor sighed, "I _have_ but Sam's condition has worsened. It _looks_ as if the headaches were a warning of sign of something _much_ worse, something the tests missed."

"So what's the deal?" Dean asked, "he gets some rest, then maybe takes some medication…. What? How do we get my brother better?"

The doctor looked sad when he said, "It all depends, Mister Winchester. There is a chance that the attack he had caused damage to his brain, it might even have caused bleeding, depending on how bad the situation is we _may _have to operate to stop the bleeding."

"What?" Dean said tears starting to form in his eyes, "there's gotta be another way doc." "Well," the doctor said, _not_ sounding particularly convinced, "there's always the chance there _wasn't _any damage and that he will be fine. Of course _even _then we will have to find out the cause of the headaches and deal with them."

"Can I _see _him?" Dean asked sounding hollow and unable to process the situation. "That's _not _a good idea right now. He's resting, but give him a few hours and then you can go in. In the meantime mister Winchester _you _could do with some _rest_ youself, your no help to your brother like you are _now_." "Maybe later doc, right now I _have _a couple of calls to make.

When Sam started to slowly open his eyes he wasn't sure where he was and what was happening, then he realized he was in a hospital bed and saw Dean standing over him as if he had been there the entire time.

"What happened?" Sam managed to croak. Dean forced a smile and said, "You're going to be alright I promise." It was then that Sam realized that Dean had his hand and was squeezing it in an attempt to reassure him.

"What happened?" Sam asked again. Dean looked sad as he said, "You had _another_ attack, a bad one this time, _really _bad…." The way Dean just trailed off made Sam suspicious.

"What are you _not_ telling me?" Sam asked. Dean looked away and said, "Look, Sammy, the doc said that while they were working on ya' they noticed blood coming from your nose. They're worried that attack _may _have done something to your brain."

Sam started to look worried so Dean quickly added, "but hey you're awake, you sound _fine_, I'm sure they're wrong." Sam looked at Dean and said; "I don't _think_ they are…" he was about to say something else when the doctor came in to check on Sam.

The doctor looked Sam over then after he was done he said, "This is _encouraging_ you're awake and alert and don't _seem _to be suffering any obvious ill effect, _still _we're going to want to run tests. If you're feeling up to it I will send in the rest of your visitors."

"Rest?" Sam asked looking at Dean who simply looked away with a guilty expression. Then Sam looked at the doctor, "give us a couple of minutes then send them on in." "Will do," the doctor said leaving the room.

The door was barely closed when Sam said, "Dean _what did you do_?" Dean walked over and said, "Sammy, you were in a bad way there for a few hours and I was worried so I called mom and dad. They took the _first _flight and _just _got here."

Sam's eyes narrowed as if he was studying Dean's expression, then he said, "You _called _Jessica _too _didn't you… must have told her what was going on."

At that point Dean turned to face Sam, eye to eye, and said, "Damn _right_ I _did_! You _should _have told her from day one." Sam looked at him but Dean continued, "I _mean you love this woman_, _come on_…"

Sam let Dean continue until he was done then said, "You're _right_, I _should _have and I'm _glad _you _did_." Dean got a look of utter disbelief on his face that slowly turned into a grin.

Before they could go any further there was a knock on the door. "Come in," Sam said and in walked their mom and dad and behind them, a few feet, was Jessica.

As soon as John and Mary were in the room they walked over to Sam's bed. Sam looked as if he could tell that Mary had been crying. "Mom," Sam said, "don't worry I'll be _fine_." Mary nodded and said, "I _know_ Sammy, but it's a mom's job to worry about her baby."

Sam couldn't help but blush at that but smiled and said, "Just don't worry _too_ much it's not good for you." John put his hand on Sam's shoulder and said, "How you feeling Sammy?"

Sam lied a bit and said, "Better, the headache isn't as bad. I have to do some tests but I _feel _just fine." "Nothing to worry about," John said with a smile that on the surface _looked _genuine, but Sam could tell was simply a mask, "you _always_ do well with tests."

"Better than I ever did," Dean said moving over to join his family. Everyone sort of laughed even if it wasn't much of a laugh it _did_ make them _all_ feel a little better.

After a few more minutes of such talk Sam heard what he _knew _was Jessica clearing her throat. The others moved aside and there stood Jessica by herself. Sam looked over and felt his heart skip a beat, he _was_ glad to see her. "Can you guys excuse us for a second?" Sam asked.

"Sure," Dean said putting his arm around his mom, "let's see if we can find some coffee, I _know _I can use caffeine." As they left John leaned in to Sam and said in a low voice, "I _met_ Jessica outside while we were waiting for you to wake up. She's a good one son, do whatever you have to in order to hold on to her." "Sure dad," Sam said, unsure _if_ it _was_ really up to him anymore.

When John came outside of Sam's room he found Dean and Mary in the small waiting area with little Styrofoam cups. "Here dad," Dean said handing him one, "the coffee tastes bad but it's _hot _and full of caffeine.

"Thanks," John said taking the cup and finding out that Dean was exactly right. After a bit they all sat down and Dean told them what the doctor had told him and Sam before.

"Why didn't you call sooner?" Mary asked. Dean looked sad, "Because, Sam didn't want anyone to worry until he found something out for sure."

John looked at him and asked, "How did _you_ know?" Dean looked down at the floor and said, "This _isn't _the _best_ time to be telling you this but I got kicked out of the marines a couple of weeks ago."

"What?" John asked, "What happened?" John sounded very confused and concerned, he was about to ask more questions when Mary simply laid her hand on his and that told him that it wasn't the time or the place and he stopped.

"Anyway," Dean continued relieved to _not_ have to deal with that mess at the moment, "I came by to check up on Sam and the first night I was there he had some kind of weird headache and collapsed in the backyard. He _made _me promise _not _to say anything to Jessica and the rest you know."

After Sam and Jessica had been alone for a long time Jessica came out and said her good byes to John and Mary, "I will be _back_ later on I _have_ some thing I _have_ to take care of. Dean can we talk?"

Dean looked at Jessica with surprise but simply went with her to the elevators. "I'm sorry," she said simply. "For what?" Dean asked. "I _blamed _you for Sam's behavior and all the while you were just doing what he _wanted_ you to."

"Don't worry about it, I'm used to people getting the wrong idea about me." Dean said with a grin. "I'm sure," Jessica said with a sad half smile. "Anyway, thanks for calling me and letting me know what was going on."

Dean looked at her for a second and said, "Can I _ask_?" Jessica said, "We're going to wait and see," she said _knowing _what his question would be, "I'm going be here for him during this mess and _after_ we're going to see if we can rebuild."

Dean smiled even wider this time, "That's great Jessica, he _loves_ you, you _know_." "I _know_ and the feeling is mutual, but I'm pretty upset with him hiding all of this." Dean suddenly looked sad, "He _was_ trying to protect you, you know."

"I know," Jessica said, "but I _didn't_ ask him to _protect _me. I just need a little time to forgive him." Dean simply nodded as the elevator doors opened and Jessica said, "I _will_ be back later, meanwhile you _had better_ go inside, he was asking for you when I left."

Dean said, "I _will_, you take care and get back soon." Then the elevator doors closed and Dean turned to go back to Sam's room.

When Dean walked in he was taken aback by how frail and white Sam looked. Before getting any closer Dean wiped his tearing eyes with the back of his hand then he continued over.

"How you feeling tiger?" Dean asked. "I'm _dying_ Dean," Sam said simply. Dean was stunned, "Don't _talk_ like _that_, you're _going_ to be _fine_!" "No," Sam said, "I'm not, that was the dream I had, I was in a hospital room just like this one, mom and dad and Jess and you were here, like you are now, then I start getting an attack again and this time I die."

Dean was fighting to choke back the tears, "_Sammy stop it_!" he said harshly, "_you're not going to die_!" But just as he said that Sam smiled and just as he said had an attack.

Dean was screaming Sam's name over and over when the doctors and nurses rushed in, pushing him aside as they worked on him. In the end it was to no avail, something in his head must have burst bad because the _last _Dean saw as they grabbed him and struggled to get him outside was blood coming out of Sam's mouth, nose, ears, everywhere. All he could do was keep screaming "Sammy!" Over and over again and watch as tears distorted his vision and his little brother was pronounced dead.

"Dean! Dean! Wake up!" Sam shouted as Dean slowly began to come out of his deep sleep. "What? What's happening?" Dean said _still _half asleep.

"You tell me," Sam said with a worried look on his face. "I woke up and _you_ were yelling out my name in your sleep."

"I was?" Dean said starting to wake up and realize where he was. He and Sam were in some rat hole motel in Arizona, they had arrived there _late _last night to check into a series of cattle mutilations that had caught Sam's eye.

"What's wrong Dean?" Sam asked with concern in his voice. "Nothing," Dean said lying, "just a dream I guess." Sam furrowed his brow and said, "I _thought_ that was my department."

"Yeah," Dean said, "it was nothing, don't worry about it." "_Nothing_," Sam repeated doubtfully, "since _when _do _you_ have dreams like that? What was it about?"

"_Nothing_," Dean said again flatly. "Don't give me _that_, you were worked up." Sam said not letting the matter drop.

"Alright!" Dean said sitting up and rubbing his eyes, "_If _you insist on _knowing_, I was dreaming that mom and dad were still alive and we had _never _become hunters."

"_Really_!?" Sam said sounding intrigued. "What was it _like_?" Dean looked at Sam for a second or two and asked, "Does it _matter _it was just a stupid dream, you're the one who has the _important _dreams mine are just ordinary."

"_Tell me_," Sam said and something about the look on his face and the tone of his voice made Dean give in, "Ok," Dean finally said, "I was in the marines but had just gotten kicked out because I had an affair with a superior's wife and got into a fight with him. You were interviewing for law school and were engaged… to Jessica." Sam's smile faltered at the mention of Jessica's name but the look in his eyes told Dean to continue.

"I came out to visit and you started getting your headaches and visions _but_, without knowing what they were you were _sure_ you were losing your mind so I was helping you out by taking you to doctors and getting tests and keeping it from Jessica."

"Keeping it from her, why?" Sam asked. "I don't know, in the dream, you said she had a brother who was mentally ill and you didn't want her to go through that again or something."

"What?" Sam said suddenly concerned. "How did you _know that_?" "You _told _me in the dream." Dean said. "_No_, Dean," Sam said, "how did you _really _know about that?"

"What? You mean that part's true?" Dean said suddenly wide-awake. "Yeah," Sam said, "she _did _have a brother who was mentally ill." Dean shook his head, "you _must _have told _me_."

"I don't _think _so," Sam said, "she and I barely spoke of it and _what_ reason would I have to tell _you_? I don't exactly see it coming up in conversation."

Dean _had _to admit that Sam was right; there _would _be _no _reason for them to talk about that, in fact these days Sam _rarely _mentions Jessica anymore, although Dean was sure he thought about her all the time.

After that conversation neither of them _wanted _to go back to sleep so they sat up and watched late night TV for awhile, then packed up and left so they could start looking into the cattle mutilations.

It was awhile before _either _of them spoke again and when they did they _never _said _anything _about Dean's dream again.


End file.
